to raise a child. 

Well, i honestly don’t know what I should call my dad. For so long I idolized him. He could do no wrong in my eyes. My mom was the reason he left; everything was her fault. Or so I’d perceived. For the divorce in 1996, I blamed her. I didn’t even find out they were divorced until a year or two later; that to me, solidified my assumptions.

One night we (my mother && I) had finally had it out. Yelling. Screaming (I also found out how irratic & irrate [aka CRAZY] i really was). If I recall correctly I was about 18 or 19. Then it all came out. I was forced to meet this person with whom I had never met. It was not the “Daddy” I had manufactered and placed on that pedistal. It was a weak, bound, zombie. I was forced to confront all the hatred I’d bestowed on my mother for fradulent reasons… a sad night for me.

I use to pray for him everynight, hoping he’d get his life together. Now I seldomly remember to do so. I had a dream he died (was it a dream? or nightmare? There is a bleek line that divides the two) and i wrote this:

I saw you today… after waking from a nightmare that is one day to be my reality, so its like I lost 2 of you in one day.
My memories don’t serve me too well fore, I remembered you differently. On a straight and narrow
But to my dismay, I must admit I had forgotten you. The Constant battle that your soul endures each day you sleep and each night you wake. The wounded and lasurated partnership between us and “It” … It won.
4.13.7

And as sad as it is to admit, I actually forgot I had a father. A shame how insignificant he’s become in my life that I no longer remember his existence. I Love Him Dearly, but he loves another more than me, my sister, my mother, or himself. Well I have said all of this to say…