Where do I start? When I was younger I was a very angry kid; real cynical, sinister & manipulative. A bully. I believe that was because I was unhappy and that was my way of relieving the frustrations of my life. I fought boys on a daily- I liked it. I had to prove to them that I was strong. Somewhere down the line I changed because instead of wanting to fight them, I wanted to love them.

My first relationship introduced me to how fucked up boys can be. He was older, a short dude, smooth talker, cute- popular. The perfect recipe for disater. He molded me. I was a ‘ride or die.’ A fool. Though he taught me dedication and I was proving my loyalty to the unloyal. He scarred me and I vowed to never let it happen again. To be so deep into any guy that I lose myself. And in the relationships that followed I got deep enough to get my feet wet, in some instances knee-high. I wouldn’t be submerged.

Here I am, 23. Still, much of that ‘fool’ stayed with me. My kindness was my weakness. After a harsh break up I  ‘dated’ for a year, next thing I knew I was back in a relationship that was doomed from the start. Prior to that I was “into” someone else. And before I knew it I was submerged, going above and beyond the call of duty. Treating him like my man. He wasn’t, but he reaped every benefit. EVERY BENEFIT. I was proving my worthiness.

I shied away because I knew I couldn’t control my emotions. But every so often I found myself diving in. Then I’d pull away. I recently took a dive and hit a rock. Lol. I laugh at it now. How could I think that a person would buy a cow, when milk is hand delivered to their doorstep and the perfect temperature? They won’t, because somewhere else there’s a cold bottle waiting for its delievery call. I can no longer put effort, energy, and money into lost causes.

Proving strength, proving loyalty, proving dedication, proving worthiness. All that to say what? I will no longer prove anything to anyone but God. And that’s real. The Berlin wall is going back up. I’ll be waiting on my cow and my milk, and if  that doesn’t come I have my presidents to keep me warm.